When Life Makes You Sit on Whoopie Cushions and NOT Take Your Permit Test

You know guys, sometimes life does this thing, where it sneaks up behind you while you're parading around thinking you're a Big Deal, with lots of people watching you because they think you're Cool, and then it pantses you. Yup, life thought it would be mighty funny to just yank them suckers down and watch as everybody else laughs. And you always think, Life, Why You Be So Evil? And life just displays some deuces and peaces out. Like, "Good luck with that."
Well, family on the interwebs, I am afraid that Life pantsed me today. And I will now tell you why.

As of today, I am officially 15 and half years old. To most of you, you may now be thinking, "AWWWWWW, I remember when I was that old! What a delicate and precious age. That youth, I can smell it." And to that I reply with a NO. NO, being 15 and a half is not a precious age, it is a HORRIBLY TAUNTING age. 15 and half means, hey pipsqueak, you ain't even sixteen yet, SO SIT DOWN and say hello to 14 for me *snicker*
16, of course, being the glorious age of independence, jobs, and CARS. Oh man guys. I want to drive SO. BAD. I have a Pre-Driver's Fever, the constant hallucinations and daydreams of the wind and freedom blowing through my hair as I round a sharp turn in the California sun in my bright red convertible, with "Born To Be Wild" playing on my radio. I can already see myself whipping out my license like an F.B.I badge to the grocer cashier and being like, "Yeah. I know. I'm picking up groceries. BY MYSELF. Because I drove here. BY MYSELF. You don't have to be jealous hun, it's just the way things are. Oh, cash, not credit please." Not to mention the speedy getaways when I get into heaps of trouble with the po-po will be INCREDIBLE.
And today my children, was supposed to be a major milestone in the long and tedious process of WAITING for that license. Today I was going to take my driver's permit test.

Notice the past tense. And no, it is not because I chickened out, or a meteor fell on the DMV (though I wouldn't be surprised) or that we didn't have the correct forms with us. Nope, I had planned out this afternoon down to a tee. I had mapped out the exact time my mother would pick me up from school early, so that I insured I had just enough time to arrive at the DMV and wait my turn and take my test before it closed at 5 p.m. I already printed out my application and filled out all the necessary information, brought along my Birth Certificate, my social security number, my passports, EVERYTHING. I even brought along a little extra touch-up makeup for my picture that they would take and put on the permit. I was READY guys.

And as my mother and I entered the DMV, we thought we must be the two luckiest women alive to discover the DMV practically empty. We strutted up to that front counter, took in deep breaths, about to tell those people that the Queen Driver has arrived and then....
"Excuse me ma'am, the DMV is closed due to our Internet server being down. All of the town is having this problem actually, somebody cut a chord."

And then I combusted into 5000 pieces and they marked my tombstone, "That Chick Who Never Actually Got to Drive May Her Future Mini Cooper Bless Her Soul."

But seriously guys. I'm surprised they didn't say, "Oh, our bad, that split second you stepped into here we changed our policy so that nobody from this point on can ever get their permit again. Ever. Kaythanksbye!"

But "Internet server being down" may be PRETTY close.

The only explanation: Apocalypse. Or alien invasion. Or maybe Romney is going to win the presidential election.

*shudder* I can't imagine which one will be worse.

Until next time Life spits in my eye,

Love,
Danielle

Ode to Julliard Cafeteria

Ok. Ok. There really is no excuse for not blogging for the past 3 months. I'm sorry, but there's not. In my head, the post at the end of May would have said, "I've been just so busy with school!", and the post at the beginning of June would have said "School has just been so busy!" but now, I come to you a month into summer and school has been the least of my problems. So I really have no excuse now. I just suck.

But now that we've gotten THAT out of the way, onto more pressing matters. Like SUMMAH. And TRIPS. 

As many of you already know, I just very recently came back from a trip in New York. I think I may have briefly mentioned the Teen Ink Writing Program in a past post, before I was actually accepted. Well, using your wondrous inferring skills, I'm sure if you had not already heard, you realize now that I was indeed accepted and on June 23rd travelled up to NYC with the fam for the program. In case you hadn't already gotten the inside scoop, here's a quick recap:

SATURDAY JUNE 23
-obnoxiously long car ride
-eat nasty food in Jersey
-!arrive! at Julliard dormitory
-take two elevators to the 28th floor
-awkwardly arrive in a dingy hallway with 5,000 suitcases and bags and be stared at by everyone
-unpack and enjoy more awkwardness from stranger-girls and stranger-adults
-have first dinner in Julliard cafeteria, sit with stranger-girls and ignore awkwardness
-participate in a "Get to Know You" workshop and be scared poop-less with prospect of actually having to COMMUNICATE with people in a non-awkward manner, that of course ends up being awkward
-have slightly non-awkward conversation with suite-mates at midnight
-thank your lucky stars it's time to go to bed

SUNDAY JUNE 24
-wake up at the ungodly hour of 6:30 a.m.
-try not to cringe at state of toilet
-try to beat other 6 girls in your suite at getting one of 3 bathrooms
-succeed, leave bathroom for 5 seconds, and then fail
-cause suite to be late to breakfast, hope nothing was forgotten
-decide Julliard cafeteria sucks, especially for breakfast
-realize that wearing flip flops instead of sneakers was the thing you forgot to do
-awkwardly tell chaperon
-fill in a double decker bus and take a tour of the city with hilarious tour guide
-get smacked in the face with a branch
-finish tour, have lunch, and go to first class in a snazzy building called Macaulay Honors College
-enjoy class, go back to dorms and have 3 hours of writing time
-struggle to write and not talk
-end up talking
-try to finish homework at midnight

MONDAY JUNE 25
-beat other girls to bathrooms, mark territory
-have a less awkward breakfast
-go to class, return to dorm and have lunch
-have writing time outside in the Lincoln Center next to Metropolitan Opera House, next to Julliard, next to dorms
-sit on stone benches while facing odd rock-thingy in lake-thingy and watch the most pimpin' pigeons you've ever seen strut
-people watch with soon-becoming friends and laugh really hard
-write a little bit
-go back to dorms and get ready for Broadway
-see The Phantom of the Opera, and die
-meet stage manager and some actors from the show, and die some more
-realize back in the dorm your feet actually did die from walking to Times Square and back in heels
-mourn over the loss of feet

TUESDAY JUNE 26
-wake up, breakfast, class, lunch
-meet with guest speaker R.L. Stine, author of Goosebumps
-envy man who says he doesn't know why people find writing "hard" and write over 300 books with only "this finger"
-walk to NY Public Library on killer blisters, be amazed and in awe of size and peace in library
-be disturbed by HUNGER
-eat dinner like an animal, writing time back in Lincoln Park

WEDNESDAY JUNE 27
-class, then walk to NY Times
-talk with four big shots in the NY Times in fancy building and appreciate the lovely exclusiveness of program and watch people pass on the street with envy
-EAT IN NY TIMES CAFETERIA AND DIE
-return to dorm and eat dinner, wish you could live in the NY Times, then actually die from food poisoning
-writing time

THURSDAY JUNE 28
-class, return and meet with author Alyssa Sheinmel
-writing time in Central Park
-get ready for theatre
-dinner, then walk to Love Goes to Press
-enjoy small theatre size and intimacy with actors
-enjoy show immensely
-enjoy talk with actors, get an autograph or two

FRIDAY JUNE 29
-class, walk to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and die because of heat and PAIN
-tour the Met with wonderful tour guide that belonged on a game show
-buy a gazillion stuff from gift shop
-have dinner out...get outvoted on choice between Chinese or TEA SHOP and have to spend next hour and a half miserable while sipping tea in 100 degree weather and eating friggin' SALAD
-writing time, continue to be bitter about tea

SATURDAY JUNE 30
-class, meet Heather Alexander from Penguin Books Publishing
-writing time, attend a Novel Writing Workshop
-dinner, go to Met Opera House for ballet and meet with ballerina
-watch Swan Lake
-be mystified
-be jealous
-be a bit bored
-be intrigued again
-wonder why the ballerinas come out for 5 encores

SUNDAY JULY 1
-decide to attend optional Catholic church mass
-finally have a long awaited Starbucks frapp
-attend a Poetry Workshop with poet Michelle Battiste
-enjoy immensely
-eat brunch
-return for more Workshop, then walk to Museum of Modern Art
-explore the MoMA, wonder how the heck a bright pink plank leaning against the wall is art
-become furious at canvas painted white and rip it from wall and smash it against the floor, go on angry rampage and destroy all modern art
-not really
-returned to the dorm, performed in Open Mic Night and read out a piece that was written during the trip

MONDAY JULY 2
-classes, go on subway for first time during trip and take it to Strand Bookstore, one of the largest bookstores in the world
-wonder how life could be better while exploring 4 floors and over 18 miles of books
-watch shopping basket get fuller and heavier
-hate life and consider suicide after no more room exists in basket
-sit in corner and cry while calculating cost
-feel soul ripping while taking out books from basket
-feel rebellious urge and place them back in basket
-reality slaps face and proceeds to push me in line with 5 books, 1 comic for dad, and 1 Star Wars clonetrooper ice tray for Nick
-return to dorm with empty feeling in wallet
-writing time outside until late, watch friends roll down grassy hill while being obnoxious and loud and lovely

TUESDAY JULY 3
-class, meet with guest speaker Vicky Dann, a screenwriter
-writing time, dinner then musical
-watch Porgy and Bess in half wonder and half disgust
-decide you will never put yourself through that torture again
-keep comments to yourself during chat with actors
-crash in bed

WEDNESDAY JULY 4
-wake up at SIX A.M.
-consider jumping out 28th story window
-take subway and ferry to Statue of Liberty
-shout "'Merica" and "FREEDOM" many times
-walk about Liberty Island and Ellis Island
-collapse on subway

THURSDAY JULY 5
-class, meet with authors Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus, writers of the Nanny Diaries
-writing time, begin to pack
-dinner, and then theatre
-watch Wicked for the second time, enjoy and laugh
-sing songs in head for the rest of the night

FRIDAY JULY 6
-feel gloomy because it's the last day
-savor every bit of crappy breakfast
-reminisce on all the good times spent in cafeteria, trying to shovel down food without up-chucking
-final class
-pack-up time
-go shopping with friends
-participate in last Open Mic Night, and perform a choreographed, self-created dance-and-singing routine with friends, dedicated to suite chaperon
-almost cry
-console friends who do cry
-say goodbye


Well, there you have it. Those past two weeks have been the greatest and the most tiring, but mostly the most inspiring and eye-opening and full of laughs and fantastic friendships. What else can I say? I loved every moment of it and I thank my parents for allowing me to go on it and pay for it. I will never forget such an experience!

Hope you all are having a wonderful summer so far!

Love,
Danielle

Demon Teachers, Fab Birthday Parties, and Kissable Books

Howdy everyone!
So this is my official post-birthday blog, as well as the one where I re-live the experiences that I had spoken about in my last post. And, well, you know, whatever else I feel like ranting about today.

For starters, the past week has been one of the most awesome and most torturous week of my high school career. Funny, it seems like this combination occurs quite frequently in my life.

It was one of the most torturous because it was just one of those weeks when all my teachers secretly meet up and conspiratorially decide that they are going to dish hell on a little platter and force-feed it to me like Jim Carry in the Grinch while my hands and feet are tied over a piranha death-pit. You know what I'm talking about. And then they assign EVERY FRICKIN CRAZY LAST-MINUTE ASSIGNMENT they can think of and well, virtually say, "HA, SUCKS FOR YOU BOI!" all while cackling evilly and, I don't know, kicking puppies.

On the other hand, it was the best week because on Tuesday afternoon, I got to get out of school 40 minutes early with 2 of my good friends to drive to Bethesda, Maryland. There, we went to the Bethesda Public Library and got to meet our favorite author of all time, Rachel Hawkins, as explained before in my last post. And let me say, she is frickin awesome. Hilariously funny and all-round cool and I totally did not want to kiss my book after she signed it or anything. Psh.

So all that awesomeness plus my birthday on Saturday rounded out all the suckish parts in between. But trust me, they still sucked.

Another piece of news that I am very excited to share: I got accepted into the Teen Ink NYC Program for this summer!!! I am super psyched and so glad I made the cuts. More on that later!

My birthday, in case you were wondering, was a perfect balance between going out on the town with my gal-pals and, you know, shouting obnoxiously "SHOPPING SPREE!!" and "I TOTES LOVE YOU!", or whatever cool teenage girls do nowadays, and sliding down playground slides and giggling while pretending to eat mulch at a children's park. You know, the usual.

I also got a very special gift card to a very special clothing store that I am just ITCHING to USE LIKE A LOT.

Oh, and B T Dubs, on Thursday, I am going to the midnight showing of The Hunger Games. Shyeah. Be Jealous. And intimidated. You won't wanna mess with me come Friday.

Love,
Danielle

Thank you to everyone who called or texted or sent me something for my birthday! Much appreciated!

Leaping Day, Cool Stuff, and My Newspaper Debut

I come to you all today in the midst of trying-to-do-anything-but-my-homework.  I thought I would give an update on all things important in life: Birthdays, Books and Other Cool Stuff.

First up, birthdays! So, good old March is coming along tomorrow and do you even know how many March birthdays there are in this family? LOTS. It's like, the best month of the year DUHTOTALLY. In fact, there is one particular person who has a birthday in March that is very dear to our hearts. She is a magnificent person with incredible good looks, uncanny intelligence and a superb sense of humor. She may or may not be turning 15 or something. Yeah, I don't know her either.

But if I DID know her, she probably would have absolutely NO FRICKIN' IDEA what do to for her birthday considering she lives near a big city with tons of tourist attractions but nowhere actually cool to go to. NO I do not fancy another run of the Art Museum of Natural Boringness, thank you very much. Been there a gazillion times, DONE that a gazillion times. And every other place either decided they were going to hold no events on said birthday date or they were going to showcase the most awful performers or exhibits. AND NO FATHER, I WILL NOT GO SEE MONTY PYTHON'S SPAMALOT SHOW, THAT WAS NOT FUNNY AND THE SONG YOU COULD NOT STOP SINGING WAS NOT CATCHY.

As far as books go, one of my most favoritest book series final installment is coming out on the 13th and I'm SO FLIPPING EXCITED ITS CA-RAZZY. The author is Rachel Hawkins, a.k.a the funniest woman alive, and the book series is called Hex Hall. Since the third book comes out on the Tuesday, serious preparations will have to be made to ensure that book is in my possession by 4 o'clock that evening (and when I say ensure, I actually mean IT MUST BE NO EXCEPTIONS DO YOU HEAR ME).

There are several things that fall under the Other Cool Stuff category, one being that my very first journalism article was published on the online website of my school's newspaper! Being in journalism means that I am learning about the stuff they do in newspaper, a class I will be taking next year. Journalism is a prerequisite, which also means that any stuff I write for journalism is just stuff, like any other class. But I wrote a feature article on Girls and Football (two topics I pride myself in being an expert in. What? Don't look at me like that. It's true.) and my journalism teacher liked it so much she gave it to the newspaper staff and they said OH YES THIS GIRL IS TALENTED LETS JUST CELEBRATE HER AWESOMENESS and put my article uppp! Anyway, if you would like to check that out, here is the link to my school's online paper and my article:

http://thehuskyheadline.com/2012/02/21/the-touchdown-for-equality/

While your there, why not check out some of the other articles up? Most are really quite good and funny as well. Show your Husky support or whatever.

Also on this list, is the fact that I have applied to something. Again.
I actually had completed my application a month ago, but now, seeing as I will probably get the admission results soon, I decided to describe my attempt at trying to get into the Teen Ink Summer Program.

Basically, this is a writing workshop type program that happens for 2 weeks in New York City. Yes, I said NYC. During the two weeks, you get to stay in Julliard dorm rooms with other high school teenage girls and get an awesome writing experience, as well as an opportunity to take advantage of New York City's amazingness. This description is quite vague for now, but if I get accepted I will elaborate for sure.

So? Has spring sprung yet for everyone? It sure hasn't here. Our weather is like a hormonal bi-polar teenager...minus the angst and acne. Ha. That line was HI-LARIOUS.

Oh, speaking of Hi-larious things, I also wrote a very hi-larious article for a journalism opinion assignment. And guess what topic I chose? You guessed it! Teen trends ;)

Well, must go back to pretending I'm doing my homework.

Love,
Danielle

Teenager 101: Your Offical Guidlines to Re-living your Adolecence the 2012 Way!

Missed me? I HAVE been gone for quite a while you know. Oh you...you didn't notice? Well...it was on the news...and..stuff. Everyone was talking about it...when? You know, that week...when that stuff happened...and..yeah.
So hello everyone, I apologize for the lack of Matta-ness lately but don't get all up in my grill (as my father says. Yes, he says that. I know) because a little thing I call HIGH SCHOOL sucks up all my time these days.

How is school you ask? (You are so polite today!) School is a fiery pit of torture and textbooks. My family? Jolly, as always. And me?

Well, let's just say that my life has not been the easiest the past few months due to the previously mentioned fiery pit. But there are some cool things that have happened. Like uh, perhaps a new baby cuz' being born? (a.k.a Joseph) And an awesome New Years celebration. And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

And of course some bad stuff. Like my uncle being sick (I love you dude! Haven't spoken to you in a while but hope you're feeling better) and my neck and back deciding to go on strike and dreaded MIDTERMS and such. The list could go on. And we all know that I could go on. And on.

But I come to you as a new and improved person. No longer the middle-school-edition Danielle, who complained about trivial things. No. Today, as a mature young woman, I have decided to discuss more important, worldly topics.

Like how much pop-culture and teenagers suck.

Think about it for a second. Teenagers and pop-culture go hand in hand, most of the time. Whatever the trend may be, them young'uns are following it. In the 50's, they were all Elvis Presley-ing and sock-hopping and adding a few feet through blowing up your hair-ing. During the 60's it was marijuana and go-go boots. In the 70's they thought it was hot to wear bell-bottoms and not wash their hair. I think you get the point. Every decade there is just some sort of trend that society- but mostly teenagers- follow.

And I don't know what the HECK is going on with my generation, but the trends are getting scarier each year. Let me enlighten you. Here is all the things you need to know to be a 2012 Teenager:

Rule #1: Ignore The Seasons
Winter got you down? The cold just not coordinating with your closet? Screw Mother Nature, wear whatever the heck you want! It's ok that it's below freezing and you're wearing the tiniest shorts you could find. Don't worry that it's snowing and your STILL wearing the same short-sleeved football jersey. The seasons have nothing on your underdressed self!

Rule #2: Animals Are All The Rage
It can get pretty boring being a human. No fur, no feathers, no opposable thumbs. (wait a secon-) Shhh! The only way to go is make every accessory and clothing piece resemble the south american jungle! If you wear a pair of feather earrings, a cheetah print shirt and some sort of oddly shaped furry jacket, you'll blend right in with the circle of life!

Rule #3: Contradictions Are Your BFF
No one likes someone who has an opinion and sticks with it. So why should it be any different with style? Feel free to wear your pajama pants with the tightest shirt you own, preferably one that you bought when you were six.  And don't forget to accessorize! You'll be the talk of the town when you wear your thick, ugly Eskimo boots the color of deer poop (now comes in blueberry vomit too!) and 'nerd glasses' even though you have perfect vision. And if you do actually need glasses...what are you doing, take them off immediately and pretend you're bumping into things on purpose!

#4 What Works For Everyone Else, Works For You!
Doesn't matter if you weigh 87 pounds or 300, because you are entitled to wear whatever size your best friend is wearing, no matter what! So don't feel bad squeezing into a size 00 skinny jeans (the skinny part was necessary, because obviously 00 wasn't skinny enough) or the cylinder tube of spandex your friends call a 'skirt'. Mi casa et tu casa, or something like that!

So there you have it. Here is your Teenager Diploma. Use it wisely. (Like drinking way too many Monster energy drinks and taking pictures of yourself in the mirror while nonchalantly flipping the bird.)

Love,
Danielle